Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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