They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
