im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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