I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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