i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
