Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
