just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
