Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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