i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
