Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
