I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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