he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
