my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
