don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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