We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize