i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry about my life...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
