Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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