There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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