I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
