I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
