So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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