I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?