I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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