Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
