you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
