Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
