They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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