spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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