i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
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so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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