If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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