i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
