Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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