she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
