my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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