I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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