Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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