singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
