your parents love me but you hate me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
