I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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