were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
