I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
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I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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