and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
