see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
