afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
