I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
be right there i have to get my cape
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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