Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
