The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
