My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
