I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
