Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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