Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
