Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
