Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
