Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize