hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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